Susan Cabot, Gary Conway, June Kenney, Michael Forest
The men of the obscure and inexplicably
small clan of Stannjold go off on a routine hunting expedition, leaving
behind their women and one stunted young man named Ottar. At the
prompting of Desir, the chieftain's lithe and lovely sweetheart, the
women decide to set sail in search for their men. In a VERY short time,
they build one of the intricate oaken wavehorse ships, embarking into
surprisingly warm waters. We are to assume that they take the same
course as their men, encountering strange new creatures at sea, such a
shark who somehow ended up in the supposedly frigid Norwegian waters, a
pod of whales, and a large sea serpent that looks suspiciously like
those little lizards that live in the bushes by my house. Oh, I also
forgot to mention that Ottar stowed away on the voyage (I guess he
didn't want to be the only living soul back at the settlement. Weird
guy) and Enger, the priestess of Thor (and only non-blonde) attempts to
kill Desir with a loose spar. Apparently the brunette wants the
blonde's beau. Luckily Desir's tiny midsection is made of kevlar,
because the accident doesn't even faze her.Oh, yeah, the sea serpent. Well, the women (and Ottar) all find
themselves in the sea after the serpent destroys their vessel. They
wash up on a strange beach, a beach that looks a lot like one of the
Star Trek sets. Of course all the women (at least the ones who have
names) and Ottar are fine, but that's when a bunch of horsemen wearing
Northface vests ride up. A few cracks of a whip and we find our
heroines (and one hero) marching along with the horsemen, obviously as
prisoners. Now comes the half-cave half-meadhall that Ottar observes
must have been built by Vikings. An oddly placed fanfare later, enter
the head villain.Oh, speaking of head, this guy, Stark, chief/king of the Grimold
warriors, wears a cross between a Turkish helmet and one of those
flapped hats you wear while duck hunting. Oh, and a sheepskin/Highland
cow skin poncho. I really don't know what the costume designers were
thinking...other than cheap. Let me just say I feel sorry for that
actor. He inspects the new arrivals, managing to grope them all before
Ottar causes some waves. Conveniently, Stark and his men all speak the
same language as the Vikings. Desir inquires as to whether the men of
Stannjold are in the Grimold's land, but Stark, who has apparently
placed dibs on Desir, evades the question, introduces his too-old and
too-gay son Senja, who is the only sensibly dressed figure in the
movie, but that's the only thing about him that's sensible.Cut to the Viking women accompanying the Grimold warriors on a 'boar'
hunt (really just a feral pig hunt) and Senja behaving predictably. He
falls from his horse, gets cornered by the pint-sized pig, allowing
Desir to ride by and skewer the quarry with her spear. Senja throws a
tantrum, prompting Desir to let him have the credit of the kill, but in
exchange for information about the 'yellow-haired prisoners' Senja
mentions. Apparently the death of one small pig is occasion for drunken
debauchery later, since we're soon forced to view the great hall of the
Grimold's in a state of uproar. The Viking women are all groped and
leered at, so much so that Desir (who Stark is currently saving for
himself) seizes up a knife with the intention of killing one of the
men, but Senja interrupts this with a challenge of strength. So...they
arm wrestle. Desir loses the first round, but pins Senja's arm in the
second. As they gear up for a third, Stark halts the humiliation of his
son and declares that the women are slaves and have to do whatever they
want, Viking women or no.And enter Ottar, who reminds me of a gremlin, both in size and in
behavior. He makes a brave show of defiance, but is knocked out cold by
a punch from Zarko, the head of Stark's men. Stark decides that now
would be an appropriate time for the women (and Ottar) to see the other
Vikings in his service, the ones who have had the fight knocked out of
them. So they go into a rock quarry and find their men from Stannjold.
Desir and the girls reunite with their oddly clean-shaven, well-fed and
quite healthy-looking beaus, all except the maiden Tara (the tallest
girl who gets the shortest guy as her love interest) and Enger. When
Vedric, Desir's sweetheart, embraces the modelesque Viking maid, Stark
(who has apparently made advances to Desir and been repulsed) becomes
angry and possessive, separating the women from their men and marching
them back to a bare room (oh, but Ottar gets to stay with the men, so
that we are able to get the backstory in a more convenient manner)
Stark leaves the women with the promise that they will not be disturbed
in the night, as he wants them all fresh for his men the next day.
Sheep-man is baaaaaad.Now comes the daring escape of Desir's younger sister, who slips
through the bars on the window with ease, runs to the mine, either
knocks the guard out or finds him asleep, and frees the men. The men
seize up some weapons and make a run for it, only to be stopped by
Stark and his warriors, waiting for them at the cave entrance. After a
brief and poorly-choreographed scuffle, the Vikings are subdued. Some
typical villain ranting occurs, then the respective gender of Vikings
are returned to their cells.Enger shows up in Stark's quarters, having been the one to tell him of
the planned escape, and demands that Desir be killed. Stark isn't too
keen on killing his preferred potential mistress, but allows Enger to
go to Vedric in an attempt to seduce/convince him to run away with her.
Vedric answers her offer in a monotone answer of bland cliché, and
Enger, a woman scorned, returns to Stark and demands that he kill both
Vedric and Desir. Stark agrees, and the next scene shows the two head
Vikings tied to separate pyres. Stark offers them up as sacrifices to
their nameless storm-god and has Senja light the two pyres. Then he
decides to offer one of the condemned Vikings salvation: whoever
screams for mercy first will be spared. Well, la-dee-dah, both Desir
and Vedric selflessly urge one another to ask for mercy, unwilling to
be the one to survive.Luckily they're slow to catch fire, giving Enger enough time to
recognize her own wrongs and seek to amend them. She calls upon Thor to
strike down the Grimold god and to save the couple. Rain falls (for a
few seconds, but enough to drench, apparently) and Desir and Vedric are
safe. Senja draws his sword to kill them both, but something we assume
to be a lightning bolt hits him and kills him. Not sure why Stark is so
torn up by the little worm's death, but he fights with Vedric (his
'brave warriors' have fled in fear) and is handily beaten. Vedric does
not kill him, saying that they only wish to be allowed to leave in
peace.Well, Stark pulls a Pharoah. After a strangely Viking-esque
burial/burning of his son's corpse, he sets out to kill all the
Vikings, loosing two mastiffs. Luckily these mastiffs aren't too
bright, and Enger, in a final noble act of redemption, leads them on
the wrong trail, eventually being cornered and mauled to death by the
dogs. This allows the Vikings enough time to prepare themselves for a
final scuffle with the Grimold's. We're not sure how this scuffle turns
out, but the Vikings finally get their boat to sea, and the Grimold's
somehow get another boat to go after them. Enter the title sea serpent
again, who severely frightens the Vikings but doesn't harm them, only
causing the deaths of the Grimold warriors. Then Vedric hurls his sword
at the creature, hitting it in the eye. We assume the big wussy reptile
dies...And then the pointless ending scene where you see the shores of the
Viking's homeland. Everyone is hitched, and those who didn't get
hitched are all dead. Enter closing titles screen.